You speak like someone who has never been smacked in the fucking mouth. That’s ok we have the remedy.
Wine Tasting with Puscifer. 2016
Prepping a remote starter on a gray, cold, long, grueling day in the middle of a Michigan winter I got a text from Billy. Sir, look at this, a screenshot highlighting the VIP package for the upcoming Detroit date of Puscifer’s second leg of their Money Shot tour. A steep price but well worth the price of admission. Pre show wine tasting, a bunch of signed merch, early access to the merch booth and a general admission ticket guaranteeing a spot in the first ten rows of the floor.
Well shit sir, that seems like a killer deal, we outta treat ourselves eh? I responded.
Yes sir, we deserve it.
I stepped outside for a smoke and promptly grabbed two tickets. It was pay day and business had been booming. Didn’t think twice about making the purchase.
We hadn’t yet caught Maynard’s side hustle Puscifer live, but had both been big fans since the first record V is for Vagina had dropped ten years before. Might as well do it proper we thought. Normally I wouldn’t splurge on such an indulgence, but getting my hands on some signed Maynard merch was quite appealing to me. He has always been one of my favorite artists, and the pivot from Tool and A Perfect Circle that shines in his Puscifer project has always enamored me. Displaying his range as not only a vocalist but as an artist in general. Not to mention his lyrical abilities, always one to be clever, thought provoking, and humorous. Qualities that are very high on my scale of standards for what makes a writer great.
The show was slated for April, a few months down the road. So the wait was on.
When it finally came time for the gig, I had twisted a few bones, Billy and I set sail for the State Theater. The wine tasting was to take place a few hours before doors opened. We had yet to be able to imbibe in the fermented glory of Maynard’s wine, at the time shipping to Michigan wasn’t legally allowed, and it could only be found in a few select spots in the state, no where close to us. This was another big selling point for pulling the trigger on the VIP deal.
Having been a seasoned derelict and drunkard, I had never really dipped my toes into the wino scene, thinking it was a game for homeless stumble bums and stepford wives. Seemed like a classy step above wine coolers. I was more of a cheap beer and hard liquor sort of drunk.
We got there at the assigned time and waited in the cold rain with the other participants for the curator to come out and let everyone in, I fired up and burned half a finger to get a little bit of buzz started. Figured a little cotton mouth might not be a bad idea if we were going to be provided with beverages.
They gave us instructions and led everyone through the lobby into the theater, taking us back stage for the tasting.
Maynard wasn’t involved with the tasting, which was a slight bummer, but we knew that going in. They had a sommelier give us a breakdown on the various types of Wine and the science behind it. Explaining how the grapes grown in Arizon where Caudueces and Merkin vineyards is located differed from other regions in the world.
We were given 3 or 4 different varieties of Maynard’s stuff. It hit like a shot of vodka, far different from the Franzia and Boonesfarm I had experience with.
Oh damn, I thought, maybe being a wino ain’t so bad. I was pleasantly surprised with the buzz accrued from the few glasses we were given. After the Q and A we were given direction on the rest of the evening. We would be given the merch that was included, signed poster, signed copy of the Money Shot cd, a t shirt, and a signed Lucha Libre wrestling mask, little tote bag and a laminate to get us access to where we needed to be. Directed to be back by a certain time, as we would be a part of the beginning of the show.
We got our little swag bag, and perused the merch table before heading back to the car to drop off our shit. We had parked near the Brass Rail just down the way, so I fired up the rest of the joint I was puffing when we arrived, and smoked a few cigarettes before heading back in, laminate in tow bypassing the lines, and made our way back to the side of the stage.
The tour had a Lucha Libre theme, the stage had a wrestling ring in the middle of it with bleachers on either side. We were to be the audience as they had us filter onto the bleachers on the stage.
We were there on the stage at the State Theater, a place where I had dreamed about performing on for years, albeit as a stand up comedian, and not as a prop in a stage show. But to be able to sit on the very stage that I have seen so many heroes of mine perform, and the history of all those who have graced the stage over the years was such an incredible moment for me. Even if it wasn’t how I envisioned being on it, it was still wicked fucking awesome. Seeing a sold out crowd from the stage was a sight to behold. They had some wrassling antics before the show began and we were right in the middle of it all. That went on for about twenty minutes or so, before the lights dimmed and were ushered us off the stage and into the marked off area in the first few rows of the floor, while they got it ready for the music to begin.
In true Maynard fashion, photography and cell phone use was strictly prohibited, which is a policy I absolutely adore. There is nothing more obnoxious than having people on their phones during a show. The bouncers at the rail made sure to hammer into the minds of everyone that they will be ejecting anyone not following protocol.
The house lights dimmed and the band took their places on the stage, Maynard fixing up glasses of wine for the band as the show got underway. The wrestling continued, a cacophony of choreographed performances that went along with the music. The show was broken up into four acts, as they plowed through almost every track off the new record, along with plenty of material from their entire discography.
Maynard and Carina Round, the female vocalist who had joined the band a few albums in took turns harmoniously performing each track with a haunting grace. Mixing in the humor that Maynard often incorporates into his shows. It was a mesmerizing set from start to finish that truly showcased the shear magic of this creative collective Maynard has concocted.
Highlights included a Carina led rendition of Rev 22:20, a track off the first record that is sultry in nature, while Maynard watched sipping wine. A song that gets its title from a verse in the Book of Revelations, “surely the Lord cometh quickly” a number that could very well be an anthem of some vaudeville smut routine performed in an underground den of iniquity. It’s a delightful track that is also a great addition to anyone’s fuck soundtrack.
The Remedy, a track that features some of my all time favorite lyrics, was another highlight, along with Conditions of my Parole. A classic tale from the mind of Maynard.
There wasn’t a dull moment through the entire performance, and it remains one of the finest overall shows I’ve ever been to.
I definitely recommend checking out the entire Puscifer catalog, available on Spotify, as well as catching them next time they are on tour. It’s a show that is well worth the price of admission.
Also if you are looking to try a fine wine, be on the look out for Cadueces Cellars and Merkin Vineyards while you are out booze shopping. Just ask the clerk if they got any Arizona wine, if they have it they’ll know what yer talking about. I’ve since had occasional luck finding it in the wild, but it also can now be ordered online and shipped to Michigan. It is worth the price tag, and definitely worth a try.